Mastering the Art of Letting Go

¨All Humans are Spirits that are only passing through this world. 

All Spirits are beings that exist Forever.¨ 

Mutant Message Down Under, Marlo Morgan

This is a picture of my spot for my first Vision Quest in the Jungle of Costa Rica.

I happen to read this amazing book which chronicles the journey of a middle-aged American woman with a group of desert Aborigines, the "Real People", across the continent of Australia, just a month before I entered my Vision Quest: a powerful Ancestral Ritual in which you fast for 4 nights and 5 days while in isolation in the Forest. The following are some profound reflections that came to me during those long days and nights, while I was laying on the ground, under the dark jungle sky, surrounded by sounds of Nature, (it might all sound very ideal), if it wasn’t because I was extremely thirsty and hungry.

But somehow I kept trusting - deep inside of me - that I was capable of making it through - and I was meant to live this experience for my 33rd Birthday. I had followed guidance from Spirit and all the signs had pointed towards committing to this solo retreat as a Blessing for my new Life. 

It was this courageous trust - which in the end - helped me to stay strong and navigate past the hardest moments. For in those instants, when I was about to give up, I really learnt the difference between hoping that everything would turn out okay; and having no choice but to believe that everything is always already okay, at least in the Spiritual Realm (which in the end, is the only one that matters.)  

We have been conditioned, by our individual and collective trauma to be hostages of fear constantly… We easily get trapped in the Fear of loosing, of dying, of being hurt. And yet, what if beyond all fear, there is real ultimate freedom awaiting for us to claim it? What if we could reach this inner state of freedom and feel truly alive right now, exactly where we are? What does it take for us to finally tame our deepest fears and realize there is simply nothing to loose? 

I had given everything I knew away to be on my own in the jungle for that week. My new home, my companion animals, my daily habits and routines, my notion of time (I had no clock with me), everything the mind likes to hold onto was simply gone…

And so, Fear became my fellow friend during those 4 nights and 5 days of no water and no food… And I must say, there were times when it felt I was nearly hallucinating…

Here comes the Fear again, it speaks loud and clear:

>> ¨I am going to die.¨ ¨I can not do it.¨

I try to dialogue with it inside my own head: 

>> But wait, what if I am already dead? 

>> It replies: ¨Oh yes it surely feels like you are about to die…¨

(I was mostly so weak, even coming out of my spot to pee required tremendous amount of effort. I had to calculate every move, every step, to still have enough energy to come back where I was. Because you are not supposed to wonder outside your spot; you are meant to remain in it for the whole ritual. This is also very challenging for the mind, as one gets to feel hostage and desperate from not being able to move freely around.) 

Back to my conversation with Fear: 

I try to convince my self better, so I keep the dialogue going inside my own mind:

>> ¨What if dead just means I am not this body, I am far more than this…

What if dying is truly coming Home?

Actually, maybe there is nowhere else to go or to escape to …

Can I be less afraid then? Would I have less fear of dying somehow? 

Can't I just trust? Can I just release control over everything; whatever stays stays, whatever goes goes. Ultimate freedom. This is it, this is how I want to live my Life. I want to stop grasping and holding onto things, ideas, expectations, etc.

I am ready to release all of them; I rather be surprised by what Life throws back at me, and let it be completely unexpected.¨

After this whole conversation with fear of death I start surrendering more and more to the process, and somehow, becoming less and less afraid. It´s not just about words, but a very deep realization about our true nature as spirits.

And then, during those dark moments, the body is so weak, exhaustion takes over… I fall asleep so profoundly lulled and held by the sounds of the jungle.

Suddenly, I hear a cat hunting around me; crying of animals (who didn’t scape dead that night…); cracking of dry leaves near around me; I think to myself:¨I am going to be next.¨ I had packed no knife; the flashlight batteries were almost gone… I could only trust I was gonna see the Sun once more the next morning, if that was how it was meant to be… 

By the Grace of God, I wake up the following day. When I open my eyes, I am so humbled by it. I learn to never take for granted one more day. I say thank you for my Life, I honor such a gift, knowing many creatures in the forest didn’t get to see the sun that morning. 

I keep laying down, I am still too tired and dizzy. But somehow, after so many inner battles with my own fear, I start discovering - much deeper inside of me -, a strong knowing that dead only comes to us when it is the right time. And we are not to decide this. Although it may not seem like the right time to us, for Spirit surely is.

I had read in the book aborigines believed an animal’s soul choses when to become a prey and die for the sake of another being… I reflect upon this while laying on the ground. From my heart, I state clearly to Creator I am still not ready to become food for another creature… I figure out there is so much humbleness in a Soul that makes such a choice; it means it´s ready to completely let go and release for the sake of another… And then, I fall back to sleep again so profoundly… I loose track of time, and how many hours pass by…

All of a sudden, I feel the urge to wake up straight away, even though I was having very deep and lucid dreams… I open my eyes in a matter of seconds and sit up very quick… I take a look to my left and see a BOA lying right next to me. Her body as long as mine, her head is up, she is looking straight into my eyes. I immediately stand up on my two feet, commanding respect from her. I tell this animal (in my mind) that she is invading my space and must leave right away.

She looks at me as if she understands what I am saying and gently leaves. It seems like she is obeying my wish, as she slowly starts diving underneath the dry leaves and disappears. Although, 4 meters away she shows up once more and looks back at me, as if waving a goodbye… I tell her I am not yet ready to see her again and she wonders into the depth of the jungle…

I am shaking from the shock, the fear… I am in Silence, I cannot scream… I am completely sweating from the stress response, I can not clean myself… I just sit there, all I can do is breath… Breath deeply, try to calm down… I tell myself not to worry, because this just showed me how much Nature respects and honors my prayer, my sacrifice, and my commitment to my own transformation… I have no option but to believe this.

After a while, when I was able to ¨relax¨ - at least just a bit -, I recall the color of her skin was all pink. I suddenly remember there were no colors or patterns on her skin; she seemed almost naked when I saw her. I realize what this means: she had just shaded her old skin… And so I get it. What a lesson she came to teach me. Dying to our past means completely letting go of it. And oh God if it hurts.

To leave it all behind. Even though sometimes it is the only way we have to survive, it still hurts, there is still so much pain to let go of. I realize how meeting this BOA was truly a gift, AND ALSO a huge fear of snakes to face right in my face…

I keep wondering what a miracle it was I woke up from such a deep sleep…

I realize the ultimate act of freedom is faith; and faith is trusting that something else is holding us, protecting us, sustaining us, and guiding us while we travel into the Unknown. The amount of trust we have on this bigger force, call it God, Spirit, Universe, or simply Life; determines the degree to which we can surrender, relax and let Go into the emptiness of being. Cause when you are simply being there is nothing to hold onto, there is no promise for tomorrow, there is no certainty of what’s gonna happen next… 

Imagine living like this, completely absorbed in the Moment, with no fear of tomorrow, because our trust in the Great Mystery of Life goes so deep within us, we no longer need a guarantee; we already know somehow, that what we need would be granted to us. Moment by moment, breath by breath. And that’s enough, it is actually more than enough, for it is everything we need, to just keep smiling each step of our path. 

With Love, 

© MÓNICA ANDRADE P. 2024